My Roost Is Bare!
It was a cold March in 2015 when my journey into the empty-nest phase of life began. I was thrust into it quite suddenly via a move we somewhat hastily decided to make away from our homeland of eighteen years in Loveland, Colorado. We moved to the rural community of Watkins, CO just seventy miles away…..but it felt like a million. I left everything I knew and loved in Loveland – most notably our children (grown, though two still resided with us) and our grandson – to make this move to my cousin’s horse boarding ranch. To be clear, this move had nothing to do with my love for horses. It was a financial strategy move – an attempt to save money for retirement and ease the financial burden on those golden years. The plan was to be ranch hands for a year while living rent free in the darling loft apartment that became our home for what turned into three years. Next, we would transition into an apartment that my husband was to build for us in an outbuilding that was on the gorgeous 20-acre creek-side property of my cousin. At that point, taking care of the 40+ horses would no longer be our responsibility but rather being caretakers of the actual property would be our charge (a little less demanding and not so daily)….in exchange for rent. What’s not to like about this scenario? Especially considering my years of experience with horses, the excellent horse facilities to which I would now have access for my own horses, the beautiful setting, and an already close relationship I had with my cousin? EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything was wrong with this situation…..because my kids weren’t there. (Not wanting to be a ranch hand was a large factor as well, but not having my kids near was the clincher). And I never missed an opportunity to communicate my unhappiness to my poor husband for the entire three years of our occupancy on the ranch. What should have been our little love nest, a place to relish in our accomplishments of raising three wonderful children, bask in the blessing of our grandson, a time to rediscover each other, rather turned into a slice of hell full of marital strife, talks of divorce, and almost daily discord. Additionally I felt trapped in a lifestyle I didn’t want, moving in a direction I didn’t want to go.
“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.” – Carl Rogers
Those three years on the ranch that I have affectionately labeled “The Dark Ages” (due mostly to my outlook, not necessarily the actual living conditions) taught me a lot. The journey is still unfolding and has taken on a different look. We are no longer on the ranch. We have actually moved back to Loveland into the very house we left. We are now the owners rather than the renters of this beloved home. (An opportunity presented itself for us to buy the house in Loveland that we were renting before we left – so we did). Two of our children are actually residing with us again (as paying renters – bless their hearts). I’m back in the Land I Love with its beautiful foothills, lakes, and mountainous scenery. Life is good.
“Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.” – Natalie Goldberg
But I have found as you go through life you trade stresses for other stresses. The pressures we bore on the ranch – the daily chores, living away from our kids and grandson, the aching for my hometown – have now been traded for the financial strains of home ownership and everything that goes with it, not to mention all the other expenses we have incurred as a result of our move back to Loveland (mortgage, utilities, I now have to pay board for my horses, my husband has the long commute to Denver again, etc.). As folks who didn’t plan well for retirement, are we doomed to a life of hardship either financially or laboriously (owning a home in Loveland vs. rent-free, ranch-hand living in Watkins)? I choose to believe not. We have some other choices available to us that are more conducive to who we are – choices that still require sacrifice but in areas that are less traumatic than other options.
“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” – Leo Tolstoy
Some marital trials remain as we endure the challenges of our individuality and the different directions in which we want to progress. I understand it is not uncommon for couples in this empty nest phase of life to live as nothing more than roommates with little if anything in common anymore. They call it “single married life.” My husband and I definitely favor different hobbies. Though we allow each other the freedom to pursue those hobbies, their stark differences are not necessarily relationship-fortifying. I found this easy-to-read brief article on the matter with some simple and helpful suggestions for keeping your marriage in tact, entitled “Empty Nesters are at Higher Risk for Divorce.”
“Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to count your troubles.” – Maltbie D. Babcock
My empty nest venture has not been all doom and gloom! Many blessings have been enjoyed along the way! We have another beautiful grandson to love on. Our kids have grown into responsible, loving, productive members of society. Some wonderful friends were made en voyage. My husband and I are working on us. I am learning to be comfortable in my new skin, nourishing my passions and hobbies and building my dreams.
Share Your Story
Empty nesters come in all shapes and sizes! Some can’t wait to be empty nesters and enjoy the fruits of their labor. They embrace this time with enthusiasm pursuing dreams or goals that have lain dormant during those child-rearing years while enjoying healthy friendships with their kids. Some dread the day when that last one finally flies the coop and don’t know what to do with themselves, holding on to the times when they were their kids’ everything. Some have older children that are on their own yet still have much younger ones at home and get to glean from what they learned from having older children. What kind of empty nester are you? Please share your journey with me in the comments. I would love to hear of your experiences – good or bad – with your empty nest journey. Ups, downs, triumphs, and trials – they are all helpful. Any tips or advice on how you faced the adventure of your emptying roost are all warmly welcomed. Also, any requests for topics in which you are interested will be enthusiastically received. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you!
Side note: Since two of our kids currently reside with us, do I still qualify to write about empty nesting? You bet I do! I’ve been there, done that! The relationship we have with our kids that live with us is really as landlords. We no longer have a say in curfews or how they choose to live their lives. We are really good about staying out of their business. They are grown adults now! Our job is done. Sure we get the perks of seeing our kids most days (all of our different work and social schedules prevent us from seeing each other on a daily basis sometimes even though we reside at the same address), but because we no longer “parent” our kids we consider ourselves empty nesters with benefits.
One last note: about a year and a half into our stint at the ranch, our oldest son, his wife, and our grandson moved to the ranch as well. Being able to see them everyday again really helped take the sting out of not being in Loveland. We had a lot of quality time with them for which I am forever grateful. As a consequence of both moving to the ranch (they wouldn’t live there if we never moved there) and leaving the ranch, we now endure the distance from them again. They chose to stay at the ranch – not as ranch hands but as tenants. I miss them everyday and travel there when I can, arrange sleepovers for our oldest grandson, and take advantage of face time. I’m a little better prepared for the span this time, though my heart still aches.
“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” – Rumi
I know that those years away from our kids helped me to learn to live without them being just 10 minutes away. It definitely gets easier with time. The kids have to spread their wings sometime. I certainly don’t want to be the one standing in their way.
2 Comments
So enjoyed reading this. You write very beautifully but mostly what I really appreciate here is your honestly and willingness to be vulnerable. Such interesting reading.
We left the States when our youngest son finished high school. I didn’t miss my sons then… I needed the break. It’s ten years later and I miss the heck out of them. I do see them twice a year but I wish it were way more . They are my favorite people.
Thanks for the thoughtful read.
Peta
Thank you for taking the time to visit and for your lovely comment, Peta! I love the quote, “Hanging out with your adult children is like visiting with the most beautiful and precious parts of your life.” It rings very true.